I’ve been meaning to write about this for the past few weeks. I was hoping I could cope up faster by letting it all out. But back then, everything was just pure sadness, and I evade from writing such. It’s more than a month now, and I find myself I have partly coped up. So here it goes…
I started the first week of the year with series of pregnancy tests. Yep, I found out I was pregnant! Luthien is going to be an ‘ate’. Overjoyed and scared at the same time, the usual. But I also felt that something’s not right. My mommy friends told me pregnancy differs every time. After a week, what I’m scared of finally hit me in the face.
I’m having ectopic pregnancy. I was beside myself for a while. But I had to pull myself together. I was supposed to get a shot of methotrexate, to flush the gestation situated in my left tube. But I’ve been bleeding for days until it almost ruptured so my doctor decided that I should undergo immediate salpingectomy.
I was in the hospital for a few days, unable to stand, walk, pee, even cough or laugh. It was painful (especially the part where I’m not allowed to drink coffee). When I got home, it dawned on me.
We had to shoulder 60K worth of hospital bills, I will be jobless for the next 2-3 months. I can’t play with my daughter. And all that for a 4-inch stitch in my tummy and no baby.
Whenever I visit the doctor for a follow up check up, I see all these women with huge baby bumps. They’d ask ‘ilang months ka na?’. It was difficult to answer. Sometimes I would just smile. When I’m feeling masipag, I answer ‘na-opera ako, ectopic‘ with my parang-wala-lang face and they’ll look really sorry for me. And that sucks.
I hardly talk to people online. If I do, it’s just about work. I didn’t post anything on social media, definitely not a photo of my hand with a bandaged cannula on it. I didn’t want people to know, or maybe I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. When I see not-so-close friends on Facebook posting their baby bumps, baby book or what-not, I feel different. I’m happy for them of course, but it was a stage that I just wanted to think about myself. I wanted myself to feel all the sadness, hoping that one day I’ll ran out of sad things to feel and think about, and I can be the same ol’ bungangera me.
I’ve been crying almost every single night. When husband leaves for work, Niagara Falls starts to pour. I looked for diversions. I wanted to keep myself busy. I looked for a part-time, home-based job. I read books. I played games. Hell, I even watched a koreanovela. All this made me realized just how good-looking Lee Min Ho is. Kidding. (But seriously, I’m officially a fan!)
I thought I lost a lot with this pregnancy. But after nights of sobbing in our room, I realized I actually gained more. People around me never failed to show how much they love and support me – my husband, inlaw, family, friends and kumares, even my little girl knows how to behave when I’m around (because she knows ‘mommy’s tummy is sick’).
I realized that there’s always a reason for everything. I learned that it’s okay to feel very very sad, but you have to snap out of it because there are those that brings happiness to you greater than the grief you feel. I may have lost a fallopian tube, but I gained heaps of motherhood experience and personal realization, with a battle scar to boot.